Chicago woman gets out of 4-year relationship. Then she learns about the concert theory: ‘It hurts when you realize it’

A woman is reflecting on the end of a four-year relationship and what she needs from future partners. As it turns out, she's not the only one who noticed a theory of communication that often goes unsaid.

In a video that received more than 243,000 views, Liv (@livlawlove), a Chicago-based law school student, says that she wished she had paid more attention to certain things in her past relationship.

What Is ‘Concert Theory'?

Liv noticed an imbalance between how she and her partner approached the relationship. When she had important events or things she was looking forward to, she often went alone. Despite this, she says she was always there to attend the events her partner was looking forward to.

Liv says she recently realized that when a person is in a relationship, they should attend events that are important to their partner, even if they're not personally particularly interested in those things.

She tells her audience about a recent relationship that ended.

“I  was in an almost four-year relationship, and if he had told me he wanted to go to any event, I would've happily joined,” she says. “It could've been a puppet show, but I would've been like, ‘I'm in.' I just wanted to spend time with you, and I wanna learn about the things that you're interested in. I wanna have these experiences together.”

But she says the same wasn't the case for her.

“In law school, I probably went to upwards of 15, at least, shows, maybe 20. I would always go alone … When the Eagles were playing in the NFC Championship, I went to the Eagles bar alone. I should have paid more attention to that,” she says.

She ultimately thinks that people in relationships should be more interested in having “shared moments together.”

“And even if they don't like the subject matter per se or the band, whatever, they should like spending time with you and seeing you happy,” she says.

In the comments section, Liv says, “It's … about reciprocity, give & take, and not feeling like one person's interests are the only ones that matter.”

‘My Ex Never Wanted to Do Things I Wanted'

What Liv describes is a common, forgotten-about incompatibility that can quickly demonstrate when a relationship isn't a good fit. In an on-screen caption of her video, Liv calls it “concert theory”; a few commenters called it “a theory on concerts.”

They said that a person who isn't willing to entertain their partner's interests isn't acting reciprocally. Showing interest, it seems, is more important than having interests in common.

“I was in a six year relationship and I had to either drag him kicking to things I liked, he wouldn't go, I was involved in what he liked only. This [is] very important. If they're not interested in what you are going and being there for, [what] are they in your life for?” one viewer asked.

Another commenter spelled out the differences in how a person can approach concert theory in a relationship.

“Begging someone to attend things with you vs. you making sacrifices for every interest they pose,” they said.

Bids for Connection

While many commenters referred to Liv's experience as a “theory” on connection, relationship experts call it a “bid.”

In short, bids for connection are when a person in a relationship reaches out with a need. They may want to discuss something they're passionate about and feel listened to. Or, they may want to do something as simple as going to a concert together. Either way, the person makes a “bid” to connect with their partner.

The Gottman Institute posits that if a partner is willing to respond to a bid—going to a concert with their partner they wouldn't normally attend, expressing an interest in their hobbies after their partner addresses a need, or even just by improving their nonverbal communication—a relationship can improve and remain healthy. Consistent, positive reinforcement after bids for connection can strengthen relationships.

But in situations where a partner doesn't meaningfully listen or connect with their partner, the relationship is more likely to fizzle.

“Maybe it doesn't even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they're talking about or doing,” psychologist John Gottman says.

Subplot News reached out to Liv via email for comment. We will update this story if she responds.

@livlawlove

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